Do you want to live forever?

I have spent nearly 10 years here in Germany and with one man whom I met on line. We biked through Europe together which was our main connection. He's not an easy person to stay with and over the years I have gotten much information about him and his personality, from family members and from my own experience. Ours is the longest relationship he has had in his life. He bullies and controls with big brash bluffs of angry outbursts, some of which have nearly driven me away.  But I am the type of person that can 'make lemonade out of lemons'. I stayed because I wanted this European experience. I stayed because I wanted to learn about this culture and I stayed because I didn't have much of anything for which to go home. 

Don't get this statement wrong. I have certainly family, whom I love and love me. No question about that. But I had closed up many things when I left the USA. Technically I still 'live' at my father's home in Florida. It is my state-side address. But everyone in the USA has their own lives to live and I need to be autonomous too. Dad married 4 years ago and has had a wonderful life with her. It is their home now and I am the daughter that visits once a year, welcomed to be sure, for that time I am there. I don't live there anymore. Returning would mean intruding on their lives in some way which might be long term, given the state of the job market. My sons also have their own lives. So here I stay, with a job and a man to whom I am a friend and now a caretaker. 

How long will I be here, how much longer? His health is questionable and his illness is not under control. He is not good at maintaining the right combination of all his drugs and does not follow 'doctor's orders'. Perhaps more is the question, how long will he be here. Cause once he is 'gone' I will leave. 

Then my next step will be to return to the USA, but where? Close to my sons? Close to my 85 year old dad and his wife? Or strike out on my own and start up in a new place. Why I am thinking about all this? No, the man I am with is not about to expire but my thoughts do drift to this subject from time to time. 

It's a rainy night in Heidelberg and this helps to lay my brain waves out on the pavement like this.

Fine day for thankfulness

We attended the military Thanksgiving Day dinner at Patrick Henry Village in Heidelberg yesterday. It was so elegant. The food was beautiful to see and perfectly laid out on white linen. The food of course was done to perfection and tasted fine.

However the best part of this fine feast was the company of people I was in. These were also my friends, having been here for over 6 years, I knew most of with whom we dined and for that I was very Thankful.

Cross-section of life where I work

Another day at work. Yesterday was another rats nest of some kind of problem or other. All repaired, all fixed but time consuming and stress creating.

I must say, working on an American military complex, you do get an interesting cross section of people working for and with you. We have Germans, Philippians, Kenyans, Nigerians, one Korean and a few Americans working there. Fascinating. 

Room with a view please?

I think I will get a room at the Hotel California.

Another day... another week....

As 8:30am approaches I am ready for the day of tasks ahead. Most of what I do involves efficiency of movement, muliti-tasking and a constant thought of what needs to be done next. I supervise the setting up of a store for the days' operations which involves trouble-shooting the inevitable variables that come with that.

Nothing ever runs smoothly. 

Dealing with inanimate object is one thing ... then I must also deal with the animate... those people with whom I work,  inevitably they have 'issues' that prevent them from performing the tasks for which they are assigned and will then fall back upon others (like me!) I am the problem-solver!

Onward!

Sunday night blues...

Why The Blues on a Sunday night? The prospect of work the next day, that's the blues. Not that I dislike my work. Once there I actually enjoy what I do. Just the thought of my life regulated by that time period that's all. Got to be there at 9am, got to get out the door by 8:30am, got to have my breakfast ready to eat by 7:30am, got to get up at 6:30am. See, time periods... little marks on the clock... punctuality governing my life.

Now, Friday is my favorite day of the week... then I have the entire weekend ahead of me. I call it WINE FRIDAY! I find a nice local wine, perhaps a nice Riesling or a Silvaner. Or something from the Mosel region? Living in Germany near the Rhine River and the Pfalz region has great benies!

Tonight, to temper my 'sadness' of returning to work tomorrow... I am having a glass of Weiss Burgunder. Dry with a light pear aftertaste.

No I am not a wino, nor am I a wine-o-phile but I know what I like.

So tomorrow I get to see all my military soldiers and families once again and serve them up some Tacos!

What do I have to say?

Here I am again, thinking. Dangerous, don't you think? Last post was 2010! Oh My!

Blogs. Have they gone out of style? Have we all bought into the instant posting of a Twitter? (I am not a Twitt) Have we opted for the simple 'notes' of Facebook, just touching base with our 'friends' (really? are they really FRIENDS?)

Writing ... has it gone out of style? Maybe so.

I wrote to my daddy the other day. I sent him some information and he is not much of a computer guy (at 85 he just has no inclination to become a computer addict) so no email for him. It felt strange, writing by hand, a note to him. But then it also felt nice. It was more intimate, a little piece of me on paper that I had touched, pen in hand, my handwriting (which has deteriorated with lack of use). Then I sent a birthday card to a good friend and handwritten a message within the card. How retro of me!

So now I am thinking (again with the 'thinking' thing) are personal journals a good way to get back to thoughtfulness or just another retro thing ... a way to self analyze .... a vanity outlet? But you know, I miss just typing away, extemporaneously, my thoughts as they pop into my head.

Therapy, yeah.

What is in my heart or head or gut.. hmmm?

There are times I want to express my disdain about men in general. Then I use my intellect and understand that not all men are like the ones I have encountered. Guess that is true of men who have encountered women which have left a bad memory.

What is human nature then? What are men and women partnerships? I try to look at the needs of the human condition and think, "companionship'. Isn't that what each sex needs? Lovely that it would involved something deeper then a friendship (definition please?) or an intimate sexual connection (which fades with time?)

OK. I am not thinking about the nature of long term (my dad and mom, your dad and mom or grandma and grandpa) type of relationships. Or.... should we re-examine why those relationships did last? Ok... many did not other than it was mandatory that they stay together.

I am thinking, why would man not wish to save a 'good' relationship? The woman ... his wife or long term lady... is expressing dissatisfaction within the relationship. So, should the man bale out? Toss the relationship cause the woman is making noise and I, the man, should not have to explain myself? Or should I 'whimp out' and do that modern man thing and find out what my women needs?

Yeah, I am revisiting this subject in my mind... cause the subject has come up again amongst my friends. I don't have the answers ... after 10 years... I still have no idea why a husband would not think a wife was not worth the effort - unless he was due for a change.

Tea and memories

I made tea for myself this Saturday morning.

I had taken the short walk to the little bakery down the street to pick up our daily bread and two apple strudel, and that called for some tea.

As I poured the water over the teabag the scented steam rose and woke a memory.

I, as a 7 year old, was taken back to a morning in my grandmother's kitchen, a big house just outside of Morristown, NJ with large gardens. I was always allowed 'grown-up' tea when I went to visit with her. She would always fill the hot cup of tea with warmed milk. There was a particular scent of that hot mix and to this day I will be sent back to those times when I smell hot tea with milk.

The power of 'aroma therapy' was, I believe, born out of this human ability.

ps, the apple strudel was very tasty too.

Note to Rachel - my dear friend, I cannot read your blog as it has been made private. I miss being a part of your progress. Hope you are doing well in your nursing classes.